Ohh Dear!!

by Andy Lear

Due to the fact that he is a new member and has not yet attended a first Friday meeting I had never heard of Luke Toms. Luke if you are reading this, pull your finger out. Nor had I heard of ‘The Feeling’ or the ‘The Zutons’ the allegedly world famous bands he had supported recently. All I knew was that a call went out from Despicable Parsons (hereafter referred to as the DP) for assistance on a pythonesque deer shooting video with people dressed up in deer costumes being chased about the forest. My planned weekend of debauchery had fallen through and I was at a loose end, so discussing the matter with Rodders in the car on the way back from the Friday meeting I managed to cadge a lift to the proceedings. This was clearly good news. The bad news was that he was going to pick me up at seven in the morning, on a Sunday as well! This, as far as I am concerned is going against God but nevertheless I set the alarm for six and was bathed, dressed, moustache was waxed and I was on my second cup of coffee by the time Rodders arrived.

We (Rodders and myself) met the DP at Alton station and were hanging about for a while waiting for the producer to meet up with us and take us to the location, an army shooting range. We were supposed to be attired as part of the huntin’ shootin’ and fishin’ set for the video. It seems that I was the only one that did not own a Barbour jacket and a pair of green wellies but I made a bit of an effort and when the producer arrived twenty minutes late he did seem very pleased to see us. Clearly it was a very low budget affair, I do not know if there were any proper luvvy actors there, there did seem to be a couple of people there that knew what they were doing, but mostly the assemblage seemed to be made up of mates and mates of mates. The DP had a speaking part and I had a thumb through the script. It was somewhat violent with the deer (who were not supposed to be proper deer at all but people dressed up like deer) being slaughtered with fake blood being squirted in all directions. It ended with one deer making it passed the finish line and then being shot anyway by a nasty evil vicious hunter. Presumably they had a look around to find the nastiest, evilest most vicious looking individual on the set. Step forward Rodders hehe!

Briefing the cast for the shot.

At one stage in the proceedings the army did appear, with real guns, but no one got shot. Rodders and I were there for most of the morning shouting ‘tally ho’ polishing rifles and waving inedible bacon sandwich props about and then our services were dispensed with. The DP was there for the day. I have no idea what he got up to but no doubt it was something despicable. The lack of coffee was a major gripe but it was a fair hike to the location and I guess no one wanted to lug the camping stove and accoutrements all the way there. We did at least get fed sandwiches and coke but that hardly constitutes equity rates. The lad Toms definitely owes me a beer and all I can say is that he had better get it in before he becomes obscenely rich and famous or it might become a whole pub. All in all though, not a bad way to spend a morning.

  
The hunters & the prey.